


Sophie's Journal

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Diary/Journal, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Toni is emotional as heck, this is like the life of Austria basically, will add tags for future chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:12:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8308048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: Basically the entries that Sophie keeps when she moves to live with her cousin, Julchen Beilschmidt at the age of six. She has a lot to learn





	1. 2000

**Place: Berlin, Germany** **year: 2000**

 

**September**

 

I miss Mother. She says that Berlin has the best schools for me and Cousin Julchen will be better able to take care of me. I know she is sick. I used to play her my music when she felt bad. She said it made her happy. I miss her smile. Sometimes Julchen will call Mother so I can play over the phone for her. Mother likes that. 

I don’t think Monika likes me. I’m three years older. She is only three. But she doesn’t talk to me. Julchen says she’s shy.  I asked Julchen where Monnie goes when I’m at school. She said she stays with the neighbor. I’ve met the neighbor’s grandchildren. He is very kind and strong, unlike his grandchildren. They are twins, according to Juli, which means they are identical. I can tell the difference though. Lovi is quiet and rude.  Feliceano Feli always cries. Plus he wears dresses. I thought he was a girl. I do not understand clothing here.

I think I like German schools. The kids are nice.

 

**November**

 

There was a new girl today. She was very pretty. She wore a green dress. Her hair was all twisted up. It looked nice and soft. She is very shy and does not speak much German. Teacher explained that’s because she’s from a more French/Italian part of Switzerland. Some of the kids made fun of her. She did not understand what they said but they pulled her hair out of its twisty bun and she cried. She came back the next day with much shorter hair. I do not think she understood why they pulled her hair. Perhaps she thinks that they want her to dress like a boy. I do not know.

Julchen says I should make friends with her so I said hello. She nodded at that and smiled a little at me. I pointed at her dress and told her what the word was until she got it. “ _ Kleid _ .” 

She repeated this with a smile and then pointed at her dress too and said “ _ Robe _ .”

I like the French word for dress. It’s prettier. 

We played at recess. I really like her. I think we are friends. 

 

**December**

 

I invited Heidi to our house today. Heidi is the Swiss girl. We are really good friends. Her German is better now but she still has problems. I like helping her. It makes her smile. Juli likes her. Juli knows a little French because of her lady friend, Miss Williams. I thought Heidi and Lovi would get along well because he speaks Italian and they have similar… ways about them. Lovi can’t stand her. Maybe it is an age thing? She is six like me. Lovi is only four.

Heidi says she likes my family. I can’t wait to meet hers. Maybe one day she can meet Mother!

We had fun I think. Heidi met our cats. We have three, one of them is mine. She is a kitten. Her name is Oswald. Heidi says Ozzie is not a girl’s name. I named her after Papa. I think Heidi understood when I told her. Heidi wants me to meet her goats. I think she said goats. She did not know the German word for them. They word was not similar to ours. “ _ Chevre _ ” I got Julchen to spell it for me. She says it might mean goat. She’ll ask Miss Williams. She calls her “Madeline” and it confuses me sometimes.

The kids at school still make fun of Heidi because her German is so bad. I think she’s doing great! I hope she stays a long time so she can get better. I don’t want her to leave. But she is here with her family so she will stay probably. I’m happy about this. We still have hard times talking but it has gotten easier. She is very smart. 

Juli says I’m smart too. She says most six year olds have smaller… I don’t remember the word she used. It was big.

She spelled  it for me. “V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.” It is a weird word. Juli told me it means I know lots of words. I like words I guess. But I like music better. I wonder what the word is for knowing lots of music? Maybe Juli knows.


	2. 2004

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is kinda angsty with a cute ending bit.   
> Keep in mind I did just enough research to know that Halloween /is/ a thing in Austria AND Germany but I don't know if it's celebrated by the Swiss and how their celebrations differ from American ones.

**Year: 2004**

 

**April**

 

Mother is getting better. I was happy to hear this even though I only see her for a week during the summer every year and we don’t talk much. Four years is a long time. I don’t feel so close to her. I remember that I used to. She was amazing. But she does not feel so much like a mother to me. Still, I was happy that she was getting better, I figured she would move here. I would live with her again, right next to Julchen and Monika and go to the same school. Heidi was happy for me too! She wanted to meet my mother very badly. I told her what a lovely lady she was. But then Mother told me her other news. She wants me to move back “home” with her. Vienna is not my home. My home is here, with my cousins and Heidi, and Feliciano, and Lovino. I like it here. I do not want Mother to get better anymore… Monika says that’s very bad of me. I think Heidi would understand. I would miss her so much! Heidi is the bestest friend I’ve ever had. I do not want to leave her. 

 

**June**

 

It is raining today. Heidi won’t leave my side. Monika even hugged me. I was only in Vienna for three days. Julchen went with me, It was a very private ceremony. There were flowers and a vase. I did not understand when there was a vase and no box. Mother had always told me that when people go to “sleep” for a long long time, they are kept in neat little boxes so they are safe. Papa was in a box. But Mother got a vase. Julchen explained that sometimes when a person “sleeps” it is easier if they are put in smaller containers. Like a vase or jar. I do not know why everyone calls it sleeping. I am ten years old. And my mother is dead. I wish they would call it dead and stop pretending she was coming back. They made sure she couldn’t. They put her in a little vase. 

Heidi is writing this bit now. I asked her too. I was crying too hard and could not see. But I have to put it down. 

I’m afraid that Mother is dead because of me. I said that I did not want to leave Berlin and now she is dead. I miss my mother. I loved her very much. I wish I could have spent more time with her. I love you, Mother.

(P.S. Sophie, whenever you see this, I want you to know it is not your fault. It probably won’t mean much but, your Mother was just very sick. And you at least got to see her before she died. You told me how much she smiled when she saw you. I know she would not have blamed you. Be happy for her. She is in a place with no pain now.)

 

**August**

 

Monika won’t leave her room. The Vargas family moved back to Italy. Feli was her only friend. I made her cookies. I know it can’t replace a friend but, I did my best to comfort her.

Julchen went into her room for a long time and finally brought Monika back out. Monika thanked me for the cookies. Her eyes were red and puffy. I hugged her. I knew she was not fond of physical contact, but I hugged her anyway. Monika hugged me back. I hope Monika makes some friends at school. 

 

**September**

 

I’m writing this at the hospital. We are very scared. Julchen won’t speak. Miss Williams is here. She is very nice but she can’t make Julchen feel better. I’ve never seen Julchen cry except at Mother’s funeral. It’s scary. 

Monika was hit by a car. She has a few fractures but that is not why Julchen is crying. Monika is in a coma. The doctors say she might never wake up. They said something about serious brain trauma. Miss Williams explained that was when the head is hit with enough force to cause very bad problems with the brain. I hope Monika gets better soon. It’s horrible to lose a mother you have not spoken much to in four years that was very sick. It is worse to lose a close little sister suddenly. Even though Monika and I do not get along very well, she is too young to die. 

 

Monika is awake now. She does not remember anything. Julchen says it is called amnesia. Julchen was sad that her sister does not remember her but she is mostly happy that she is alive. I am too though Monika dislikes me even more now. Julchen says we just have reteach her things and that she is lucky that she can still learn things. The trauma was not too bad. Julchen got angry at Miss Williams though. She is mad because Miss Williams’ sister was driving the car that hit Monika. I wonder if Miss Williams will stay friends with her. I hope so. I like her.

 

Miss Williams was left alone in the living room with me. She and Julchen were fighting again. Miss Williams was crying. I was not really sure what to do. Julchen was scary when she was angry. I stood up and put a hand on Miss Williams’ shoulder. It was very awkward. And then she hugged me and cried more. I did not like seeing her cry.

“It’ll be okay, Miss Williams. Juli is just worried right now. It wasn’t your fault anyway.” I said, feeling a tad ridiculous.

Miss Williams thanked me. She said to call her Madeline. I suppose I should respect that. It sounds weird calling her that though.

 

Monika still has not regained her memory. She is learning to cope though. She stays close to Julchen and relies on her for everything. It’s endearing but very sad. For a seven year old, she used to be very independent.

 

**October**

 

Julchen and Madeline finally made up. Julchen was crying and Madeline was smiling, promising that Monika would be okay. I was very happy for both of them.

Heidi doesn’t know what Halloween is. I guess it hasn’t reached Switzerland yet. I found it weird that she had been living here three years and never even heard of it, but it’s pretty new in Germany  and in past years Julchen would take us out of town to a chocolate factory. I insisted we had to go trick or treating. Julchen was worried because we were only ten but we promised to stay in the neighborhood. I’m going as Bach. When I told Julchen, she laughed a lot. I do not see the humor in it. Bach was a very amazing Austrian composer. I think it will be incredible. Heidi won’t tell me what she’s going as, but I noticed her hair is getting pretty long again. She could dress in a  _ dirndl  _ and stockings. With her hair braided around her head, she’d look like a very stereotypical Swiss girl. Heidi would hit me if I suggested this. But she’d look very cute! I might risk it…

 


	3. 2008

Year: 2008

March

Heidi is angry with me. I’m not sure why. I’ve been having problems with some of the kids at school too. They say I’m too prissy. I’ve been working very hard with my music. I have a tutor from a local college. She is not as skilled as many of the music oriented schools in Austria require their instructors to be, but she has been teaching me a lot. I spend more time with her than doing much else. Julchen has been teasing me for this. She’s worried I’ll fall behind in school, but she doesn’t pressure me about it. I guess she’s too busy helping Monika.   
There’s a new boy at school. I hate him. He’s been here since last October. I thought we might get along. But he is violent and our interests are just too differing. He was being a general jerk in the hall. I may have punched him. He may have hit me back. We definitely got into it. We both received referrals. Julchen was pissed.

Heidi has begun to pull away. When I get into fights, she often rebukes me for it. She’s like an overbearing parent. I suppose it has something to do with her new little brother. He was born two years ago, Noah. He’s a sweet little kid and she has to babysit him all the time. I wish she’d stop treating me like I’m a helpless infant. I can’t let these kids push me around! Why can’t she see that? I wish she’d support me. I don’t really have any friends other than her.

May

I really got into it with Daniel today. I can’t stand him! Why does he have to be such a jerk? He started the fight today, not that anyone else would listen. Of course I fought back. I’m not just going to let myself get beaten to a pulp. I was knocked out, but I think I broke his nose so…  
Monika listens to me play piano when she isn’t training with Julchen. I like her company. Monika once offered to let me join them with their exercises and… whatever it is that they do. It’s some sort of fighting thing. Like boxing or karate, I think. I can’t believe she thought I’d want to get all sweaty and gross. No way. I suppose Julchen probably talked her into it. Julchen’s worried about how many fights I keep getting into. I wish she’d stay out of it. I have to stand up for myself but no one seems to understand that.

November

The Zwingli's apparently moved during the summer. Isn’t it bizarre that you can go from being unbearably close to not even knowing the other moved to a different country months ago?

December

I hate school. I wish I could just graduate now and become a pianist. I could stay in my room and compose and play and never have to worry about anyone else or schoolwork. The only subjects I’m really excelling in are math, english, and music. I can’t stay awake during history and I’m just not interested in learning the French language anymore. I don’t remember why i started taking it in the first place. I should’ve taken Latin or Italian. Something that could actually help me musically. And science is just so boring. The teacher just drones on for hours. I can’t stand it. I wish I didn’t have to wait four or more years to go do my own thing. One day… one day I’ll be up on a stage and I’ll be playing and I just know… I know that’s where I’ll finally be where I’m meant to be. That’s what keeps me going. If I have to put up with school for that… it’s worth it.


	4. 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sophie makes a really brash decision but it might not be so bad after all. (a short filler chapter, but helps to establish a few important relationships.)

**Year: 2014**

 

**January**

 

I found this journal today. Wow, it’s been a long time. Six  _ years _ . A lot has happened. I moved back to Austria for college. I got a full ride and everything. My teachers are very strict and the work is hard but I love doing it. They say I have great potential. Unfortunately… classical music is not very popular anymore. There’s not much in the field. I could convert to some of that shitty crap those Americans listen to. But it’s not worth it. I’ll do what I love even if I have to something else to pay bills and things. 

I’m going to Spain for a bit of a summer holiday. I’m hoping to learn a little about the music there. It’s not really my style but it is so fascinating to learn the different genres other cultures enjoy. 

I’ve started dating this one boy in my class. I don’t think it’ll last. He’s too… relaxed. I don’t think he really cares about classical music. His talent was wasted upon him, really. 

 

**June**

 

I never was very good with keeping up with this journal was I? One day, I’ll go back and reread everything and wonder at how I was supposed to remember anything from my past when I hardly wrote in this journal! But I suppose I do have more of a record then most. I still won’t let myself read the things I wrote when I was younger. I think it’s better to wait. To wait until I’m married with children who are leaving the house to see how I’ve really grown. Plus… it might be too depressing to read. I don’t have fond memories of my childhood. I don’t want to delve back into something I’ve only recently separated from. 

I’m on the plane to Spain right now. Planes are so dull. It’s as good a time as any to recollect on recent events. Just as predicted, I kicked that Brian guy to the curb. Well, that’s a bit misleading. Technically, he broke up with me. But I was all too happy to see him go. He was frankly a distraction to my music. He took me to a  _ party _ of all things! When I could have been practicing. I guess I had fun at the party. I don’t really remember it. I do remember that Brian was quite furious with me after. He claimed I was making out with someone. He didn’t say who. I don’t know, I was pretty drunk. He was weird about the whole ordeal. Kept calling me a freak. I suppose he meant whore but was too limited by his tiny brain for such an advanced word. Whatever. He can call me names all he likes. That doesn’t get to me like it used to. Besides, it’s not accurate. So what if I get a touch frisky under the influence, it’s not like I’m getting intimate with every guy on campus. That would be quite disgusting! I don’t see how any of these girls can be interested in these hooligans. I think I’ll stick to music for now.

 

**July**

I met this man at a bar here. He was… well kind of a charmer and I may have been a bit tipsy. We’re going on a date soon. I really like him. He has these great eyes and tan skin and a nice smile. He’s laid back too, but he’s very passionate about music. I think this will go very well. I’ll miss him when i have to go back to Austria in three weeks.

 

I’ve been dating Antonio for a week. And perhaps it was brash. Alright, very brash, but… I was leaving in two weeks and he said he didn’t want to lose me and we were both kind of buzzed and… Well, I’m no longer an Edelstein! I’m excited about this, I really am. He’s coming with me to Austria and he’s talk about getting an apartment. 

The Spanish… 

 

**August**

Twenty years old. Twenty. Frankly, I had thought I’d be a little more rational than this. It’s weird how being in another country for two months can affect your judgement. I never would have thought I’d marry someone after just a week! That was a very ill-advised move. Needless to say, we had the marriage annulled. It was very necessary. We just were not a good match. He was more of a cheery, easy-going type. I need structure, schedules, neatness. He says we’ll stay friends. Perhaps. He’d be nice enough to be friends with. A decent confidant. Besides, I did drag him all the way to Austria and it’s not like I have many friends. It’d be a good change to have a friend. So long as we never try living together ever again. 

Even if he’s quite good in bed.

 

**November**

 

Antonio met someone. He won’t shut up about them. It’s quite tiresome. I’ve warned him to take it slow with this one. He’s assured me the person requires time. I hope he does learn from our dumb mistake. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't feel like enough people recognize the platonic austria/spain friendship and this upsets me. Spain was Austria's first spouse. I really like their friendship. It makes me happy.


	5. 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in Germany :)  
> A L L of the relationships in this chapter.  
> A good deal of fluff  
> Sophie ships Monika and Feli really hard  
> I'm getting to the actual "plot," I swear. Soon, dears, soon.

**Year: 2016**

 

**February**

 

I’ve moved back to Berlin. I don’t know if I’ll stay long, but Berlin is apart of me. I grew up here. Julchen and Monika are here. 

Antonio ended up moving with me. More for his boyfriend then for me. Oh right! Toni came out last year, funny enough. No wonder the marriage was such a dreadful thing. He’s gay. He told me he used to think he was bisexual. I think it might be partly my doing he realized otherwise. Not that I mind, though it’s odd to think that my first time with someone was with one who… well. I’m happy for him. 

Lovino insisted they move to Berlin. His brother lives here and was needing some financial assistance. Isn’t it a small world? Lovino in Austria after all these years, dating my ex-husband… Feliciano back in Germany.

Speaking of Feliciano, I think he has a thing for my cousin. Monika that is. Monika, of course, doesn’t remember him. I think this is why Feli won’t make a move. I need to remember to tell him about the accident… We try to not force Monika to learn things about before she was seven if need be. It gives her migranes. So no one has bothered to tell her that Feliciano and Lovino used to be close friends with her when they were little.

Lovino  _ hates _ Monika though. Which is probably the other reason Feliciano won’t date her. Poor kids.

Daniel is still here. He works at the restaurant with Feliciano and I. He’s grown up quite a bit. He even apologized for the fights we got into. I thought about returning the favor but frankly I’m not dishonest. I have no regrets regarding that time and I will not wound my pride by pretending otherwise. 

 

**March**

 

Daniel asked me out. I was very taken aback by this. Toni encouraged me to give him a chance. It’s not like I have hundreds of offers pouring in so I will. I am twenty two now, out of college. I’m working on my career. It’s something to be thinking about. I don’t need it or anything. But I don’t really want to end up forty years old and lonely woman locked away in her room with nothing but herself and a piano. I love music I really do. But it is a cold, heartless thing. It could never return the affection. It won’t remind me to eat or sleep when I forget. It won’t hold me or kiss me or tell me it loves me too. I can never have that sort of relationship that I dream of one day having with music. 

Perhaps this will go well. It may very well be the cliche tormentor-to-lover dynamic that authors seem to enjoy. I doubt it, but he is a handsome, well-mannered man now. And frankly he could not possibly end up more ridiculous a match than Toni and I. For one thing, both of us are straight.

In other news, I believe that Toni will be proposing to Lovino soon. Lovi may not be particularly heartfelt, but I can tell he loves him. I do hope this works out for them. 

 

So Daniel is my boyfriend now. I’m not sure how I feel about him, honestly. I know I should not date someone without being sure of my affections but… he is so hard to be sure about. 

 

**August**

 

I swear if someone does not make a move soon, I’m interfering. It’s gotten absurd at this point! Feliciano is so obviously in love with Monika, I don’t understand how no one else can see it. He’s always flirting with her and when he’s not with her, he talks about her frequently. It’s obnoxious frankly, but most things regarding Feliciano are. I do not see how Monika can care for him as much as she does, but I guess the old adage is true. The heart wants what it wants. She has been like a sister to me, after growing up with her so I can read her fairly well. I can say for certain, I’ve never seen her blush anywhere near as much with anyone than with Feliciano. They would be a strange match but I believe they’ll make each other very happy. I’m determined to get them together. The fun part about Monika’s crush on the Italian is that she’s much more willing to make me lunch when I suggest asking Feli to do it. I don’t plan on abusing this power though. Only when I just cannot possibly take time away from composing to cook. Priorities are very important.

 

Julchen is getting married! Frankly, I was very surprised. After living with her for… what? Twelve years? I never realized she and Miss Williams were actually dating. Julchen explained that Madeline was not out to her family so she had asked that Julchen not make their relationship obvious. But after Marianne married Alice, she was more confident about coming out to her family so, they’re going to marry. I’m very pleased for both of them. Julchen helped raised me even though she was only  _ nineteen  _ at the time. The woman deserves this after so long. Thirty five years and she finally gets to start a proper family of her  _ own _ with the woman she loves. Julchen can be incredibly frustrating and obnoxious, especially regarding my relationship with Daniel, but she is an overall good person. So is Madeline, for that matter. They’re so obviously in love, it’s hard to believe I missed it before. 

 

Daniel told me that someone has been asking around the restaurant for me. I’m quite perturbed by this. I don’t know anyone named Noah from Liechtenstein. How they could have tracked me down and why they want to see me. Perhaps it’s someone for my music? I have been sending out my pieces to companies… This could be my chance!

  
  


**September**

 

Daniel failed to mention that the person was only about ten years old. He’s just about the cutest kid I’ve ever met. He was asking to see if we had any openings for his older sister to get a job. We ended up hiring her. She’s a pretty good worker but not very social. So we put her in the kitchen to cook food. She’s doing very well. She’s my age, of the name of Adelheid. Extremely pretty, green eyes, long blonde hair that’s always in two plaits down her back. Her German is very good, so I suppose she grew up in a more German part of Switzerland. 

I don’t know much about her. She’s not very talkative, but I don’t think she likes me. I’m not sure why.

 

Daniel’s been taking me on a lot of dates and keeps kissing me during work. I asked him to stop. Miss Zwingli always glares at us when he does that and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Feliciano _finally_ asked Monika out. She’s been blushing _all day_ and has this little smile. I’ve never seen her smile so much. 

 

Antonio was very upset when he found out Julchen was getting married this month. Not because he isn’t very happy for her, but because they’re such good friends and he doesn’t want to “steal the spotlight” from her. He keeps telling me how badly he wants to marry Lovino. I tease him that it’s just because he wants “make love” with him. Antonio always turns bright red and stammers out a denial. As funny as that is, it’s all just teasing. I know that Toni truly loves Lovino. It’s a little sickening to be totally honest.

 

The Williams-Beilschmidt wedding was very nice. They were both sobbing the whole time. I wonder if I’ll ever marry someone that makes me so I happy, I cry just seeing them in a dre… suit as I walk down the aisle. Do I love Daniel like that? I don’t know if I even love him, honestly. I feel more positively towards him than I did when I was younger (I think). I have strong feelings for him. Maybe it’s a passionate hate. I’m not sure. He makes my heart race and I sometimes feel sick around him. He’s romantic and the relationship is healthy. He rarely makes me smile but the times he does, I have fond memories of. Is this love? Who can I ask? Is love subjective? Is it the same feeling for everyone? If so… I don’t think I want to be in love. It’s like having the flu and a malfunctioning heart at the same time. 

 

**October**

 

Daniel said that word.  _ The word _ . It was not as bad as I thought it would be. He was so nervous and shaky. He told me that he loved me and then glared at me as though preparing for rejection. It was kind of cute in a sense. I smiled and kissed his cheek and told him I love him too. He fought a smile, but failed. He had this grin the rest of the day but denied it anytime someone pointed it out, threatening to hit Julchen with a pan at one point. He seemed so happy and that made me happy but… I also felt like I might throw up. Maybe I hate him as much as I love him. I don’t understand my own emotions. It’s very frustrating. I tried composing a piece for this. It usually helps, but not today.

 

I overheard Lovino telling Feliciano gruffly that Antonio asked him to marry him. I grinned at this and went to congratulate Toni. When I got to his home, he was crying. Furious, I had decided I would  _ butcher _ Lovino for making Antonio cry. I would have had to wear a different dress though… I’d hate to get blood on this corset. It would clash  _ horribly _ with my purple skirts. At any rate, that was entirely unnecessary. Antonio was crying from happiness. I sometimes think Antonio is more feminine than me. I have no doubt if asked, he would joyfully don a gown. However, I know from experience that he could not be more masculine, in his own way. I laugh to imagine Lovino’s face… but I suppose that is inappropriate. I should leave Lovino and Antonio’s intimacies well enough alone. At any rate, I am certain Lovino will be pleased with the man he can be intimate with. He almost does not deserve such a man. But Antonio must love him for a reason, he is no moron, so perhaps I am just oblivious to these reasons. I will stand by my statement to Monika that I have no problems with ending Lovino should he ever hurt Toni. 

 

**November**

 

I asked Adelheid to join us at the wedding. Daniel seems to like her well enough and I’m certain she would get on well with Lovino. Antonio doesn’t really like her, which I found weird. He likes pretty much everyone. He said that he thinks she’s creepy. I’m not sure why. She’s a little odd, but she’s nice enough. 

I was surprised when she said yes though. I think she might have been surprised too. 

Noah was excited to go to the wedding. He was very cute in his little suit. I really like that child. Adelheid wore a suit as well. Normally, I would have found this strange, but not today. She pulled it off really well. I’ve never seen a female look so… amazing in a suit before. 

Daniel was being oddly possessive and affectionate. Honestly? It made me a little uncomfortable. I’m worried he’ll think I want to marry him. I do. One day. But nowhere in the near future. Maybe in a few years. Five maybe… Alright, I’m being a bit ridiculous but frankly I’m not interested in marrying… well  _ him _ anytime soon. I’m starting to think this relationship was a bad idea. Perhaps I shouldn’t date anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that way for anyone before. Maybe I’m asexual… I didn’t really enjoy being with Antonio, despite what I told him. I figured it was just because we were practically strangers and it was my first time. But maybe I’m just not interested in anyone like that. I don’t know. All these children lately, claiming they know what love is. I’m twenty two and I have no idea. Maybe that’s my problem. I just don’t love anyone that way and never will. That scares me, honestly. I don’t want to be alone and I certainly don’t want to hurt Daniel. But maybe he’d understand? It would be better to tell him than to lead him on, right? I should think about this for awhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of her year gets angsty! Just like mine. With intervals of fluff. Which is accurate. Cuz life is never entirely horrible. It's sucky with some good things as well.


End file.
